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I found the perfect man

But he doesn't listen when I tell him he's hurting my feelings.
Because I've been one of the guys for so long.
I'm supposed to suck it up and get tougher skin.
Because he liked me better when nothing offended me.
Because I cry over everything
And I care too much.
I forget who I am.
I am the daughter of a man who mercilessly beats children.
I am the daughter of a woman who had no problem not seeing me for two years.
I am the sister of three beautiful girls who i never get to see.
I am a recovered bulimic.
I am scared of nothing.
Nothing can touch me, because of the Hand of God.
And I am strong.

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Top Three Moments With My Boyfriend

1. Valentines Day Date- I spent 3 hours getting my nails done, two days shopping, and about $30. He forgot to make reservations. So we ate a dinner he cooked for us :)

2.  Sunday Afternoon- we were supposed to be doing something productive, but we cuddled and fell asleep on his bed instead. I woke up toasty with my head on his chest and his arms around me. :D

3. Worst Day Ever- He came to surprise me, found me crying in my room. I was embarrassed, but he held me and wiped my tears away, and told me I never had to hid my face when I cried, because he loved me and was there for me. <3

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Son of David, Dont Pass Me By.

I see you using these words to someone who first reached out to you.
Because he loves you and before you were born he knew.
That you would be beautiful beyond belief.
Inside and out.
Creative, and lovely.
Sensitive and compassionate.
Regimented and completely in Love with Him.

I wish I could be more like you,
Friend of mine who thinks you're unworthy.
I remember writing hope on your arms and holding you when you cried.
Seeing you dance in the rain, and throw your head back arms wide open
Waiting. . . For the curve ball He would throw us next.

I recall the boat rides down the river with less than stellar transportation.
But complete faith that we were where we needed to be.
But mostly I remember the night you let go of the hurt.
With your sins covered in red paint.
On your face, humiliated and weeping.
When he came and wrapped you in his arms.

Do you remember how that felt?
To not be a disappointment?
To not feel a pain in yours wrists, but a pain in your chest.
While he took what you deserved and laid in on himself.

There is no greater love, than a man who lay down his own life for his friends.
No greater love, and no greater sacrifice.
So when there's a bad day.
Or a bad night.

Remember that there is no one greater than him.
No greater passion and power than his own.
And he has wrapped you in a cloud.

Atonement

I want to stop it.
The hurt.
That I see spreading from your eyes to your hands.
I want to take it.
Inside me.
And somehow be in pain instead of you.
Because I fucked up.
You never deserved that.
And I dont deserve you.
You take me back.
But I feel like I can never make it right.

Writer's Block: The kindness of strangers

If someone insults you when you're walking down the street, what do you do?

I turn around and go,
"Jesus loves you! But I hate you face!"
*Bam! And beat in their head!!!

Writer's Block: It must be love

Do you remember your first crush? Did you ever tell that person about your feelings?

He was tall even when he was 13, and loved basketball even though he sucked at it.
I cheered and thought he was the best I'd ever seen.
I was 11 and up till then, never liked boys at all, though I guess they had liked me.
He went away to Tennessee every summer, but came home in the middle for the fourth of July.
I hated him being away.
Of course I could never tell him.
But one summer he came back and slipped his hand in mine to whisper,
"I love you, Jessi."
He wrote me love letters every week.
He looked at me like I hung the sun, moon, and stars.
Then one day, my parents told me I was moving an hour away.
I was 14.
I came back.
We snuck out to go bowling on a night when there was a blizzard.
We were gone till 4 in the morning.
He gave me my first kiss.
And a little bit more.
Then I didn't see him for 3 years.
He joined the navy and moved.
But he wrote to me and told me he still loved me, and he'd come back for me.
He bought a ring.
One that I never wore.
Because he started drinking.
And making decisions that I didn't agree with.
Now he's half way across the world.
Headed toward Libya, if I'm not mistaken.
Sometimes I wonder, who that boy is now.
And if he still loves me.

Did that really just happen?

The first man I ever lived with, I wasn't really in love with Him. I loved Him, He was my best friend, protector and He loved me more than I think I have ever seen a man love a woman. And try as I might, I couldn't love Him back. But I wanted to make Him happy, so when He took me to condo on a river and pulled out the most beautiful perfect engagement ring I told Him yes.

Till the day I die, I will regret that answer.

A few months later, crying and screaming at each other I threw that ring at Him and walked out. He pleaded with me to come back. But I couldn't and wouldn't. Knowing that I would never truly be happy with Him.

Now, Ive been with Matthew for four months. I have never been happier. Hes funny, hes caring, he doesn't take himself or anything seriously unless he knows it upsets me. And I am completely and totally in love with him. I hate being away from him, and always miss him. This week especially because hes away from home for a week for training.

At first, I missed my prior relationship, but His coldness and hostility made it easy for me to forget Him
Last night, He called to make amends and to be friends. But when He came over it seemed He had other plans than to "be friends." He kissed me and I kissed back. It wasn't until His hand went up my shirt that I stopped Him. I immediately told Matthew, who responded,
          "I have to think, I'll talk to you when I get back."

What do I do?? I can't stand the thought of him leaving me. . . I've never felt like this. Usually men dont get to me. . .

Writer's Block: You've got the look

"Oh I dont judge on looks." How many times have we all heard THAT?? People judge on looks. Even if you dont try to, or want to- your first impression of someone is how they look. I'm not dating an ugly guy. And you can pretty much bet everyone who says the phrase mentioned before doesn't date ugly people either.

Night-Dreams

my mouth is moistened.
i imagine:
your fingertips,
moving slowly.
tortuously slowly,
up the length of my bare legs.
my face is on fire.
i imagine:
your mouth,
pressed against mine.
perfectly against mine.
As your tongue explores.
my body is surrendered.
i imagine:
your arms,
holding carressing.
carefully caressing,
as your eyes wander.
but i wait till the night
when it is as
i imagine.

The Beautiful It

Its an ever-changing, ever moving
constant state of mind.
Its an ever-knowing ever growing
walking out of line.
Its the wind under my wings
while I'm learning how to fly.
Its the shoulder I can lean
into, comfort as I cry
Its the soul of my breath
that hopes to whisper softly
and when It cannot hide anymore
It chooses to reveal itself as a bond
as a life source as a light and as a
crown
It cannot be measured. even when
It can be found.
It is everlasting and
It is always true.
It is the love I have always felt for you.